Aries - You’re like a fucking hyperactive child. Take 2 vicodin and call me in the morning.
Taurus - There is absolutely no talking to you. You’re stubborn and narrow-minded. Also possibly a Republican.
Gemini - If you could just fucking shut up for a second that would be great.
Cancer - Someone get this little shit a box of tissues. You are the designated party pooper.
Leo - You are a bossy prick and you think you’re better than everyone else and should be in charge. You shouldn’t. You suck.
Virgo - You have no emotions. You would’ve made a great Nazi.
Libra - You’re a frivolous slut.
Scorpio - Stay the hell away from me. You’re terrifying and oversexed and psychotic.
Sagittarius - You’re so fucking overly optimistic it hurts to talk to you.
Capricorn - Holy fuck you’re boring.
Aquarius - You think you’re “unique,” but you’re just a huge asshole.
Pisces - You live in your own world where it’s okay to constantly cry about your problems and not do anything about them. Grab a tissue from Cancer.
I am totally at fault for over-mystifying astrology and secretly (not so secretly, now) loving it, however, when people starting getting all verbose and shit about my “sign” I really want to spew all over them. Is there anything more repulsive than when someone asks you your sign and then they say, “ohhhh!”, like they suddenly know you from the depths of your soul? No. No there isn’t.
